It’s That Most Punderful Time Of The Year. Let’s Just Say Snow To The Clichés

With winter barreling down on the nation’s heartland like a runaway freight train and the ho-ho-ho holidays upon us, here’s your annual lump of coal.

Don’t say or write these phrases unless your tongue is firmly frozen in your cheek:

– “ ‘Tis the season to …” No, it ’tisn’t.

– “Big chill …” Big whoopie.

– “ ‘Twas the night before …” It ’twas?

– “Brave the elements …” Only if you’re trekking to the Pole.

– “Over the river and through the woods …” It’s been a while since we rode a sleigh to grandmother’s house.

– “Hunker down …” Have you ever hunkered?

– “Bah, humbug.” Be miserly with your references to Dickens.

– “Old man winter (or Ol’ Man Winter) …” Let’s ban him and his cousin, Mother Nature.

– “White stuff …” Just say snow.

– “Oh, the weather outside is …” Don’t put that song in my head!

– “Jack Frost …” What, are we doing nursery rhymes?

– “It’s beginning to look a lot like …” Not that song either!

– “Deep freeze …” We get it, it’s cold.

– “Yes, Virginia.” No, Korva.

– “Nipping at our noses (or anything else) …” Nip that one in the bud.

– “Christmas came early for …” Really? Seems like it’s always on Dec. 25.

– “Enough is enough …” Yes, we’ll all be tired of winter at some point. Don’t remind us.

– “Jing-a-ling.” Jing-a-don’t.

– “First flakes …” See “superlatives and why they’re almost always wrong.”

– “A Christmas Grinch stole …” Every burglar doesn’t have to be be turned into a Dr. Seuss character this time of year.

– “Bone-chilling …” That’s the kind of look Korva just gave me.

– “Santa’s elves …” They’re everywhere! But not on our air!

– “Snowpocalypse …” What, are we The Weather Channel all of a sudden?

– “Snowmageddon …” See “Snowpocalypse.”

– “On the Xth day of Christmas …” The song is boring enough as it is.

– “Winter wonderland …” You like it so much? Fine, then you shovel me out.

(“Memmos; Dec. 8, 2017)

December 8, 2017

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